2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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