I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
