He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize