I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
