Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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