I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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