Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
