i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
