just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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