my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
