the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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