Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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