Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
