We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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