she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
