I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
there is glitter all over my balls
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
