I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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