A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
