Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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