Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm always down for nudity.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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