im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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