I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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