having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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