Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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