Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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