I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
