My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
