It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
