I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
