I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
