she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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