Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
