Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
