Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
