Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
