Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
