I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
