The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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