My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
