I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
