why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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