sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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