Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
