I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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