Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
