guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
