I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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