So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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