He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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