you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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