So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
