I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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