Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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