i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
