I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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