Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
