I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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