I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
