I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
