you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
