I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
