haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
