Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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